Diary of a girl trying to adult – Entry 11

There they stood, the two of the them, looking into each other’s eyes as rains poured down. They were completely drenched; soaked. But this time, it was a different kind of soaked. They were soaked in the depths of each other’s minds, thoughts and love. The two of them had finally confessed their love. The moment had just turned magical.

Well, that’s how most movies and novels make it look – fairytale-ish.

But that’s not how reality works. Often, it is different; very very different. Most times, there is no fairytale involved.

We as a generation are so afraid of true, pure love, that we run away from it. We love going out on dates, flirting and fooling around, but when things turn ugly or go through a rough patch, we back off, almost instantly.

I fell in love 5 years ago. But I never realized that it was love. We were always “great friends”. I wanted no acknowledgement or acceptance of the fact that I did in fact love someone. It was too much for me to understand. So, I chose the easier option out and ran away instead.

Things did get messy and after a point, I missed my friend. I wanted him back and it was the same with him. He missed me too. But I still wasn’t ready to accept the love that came along. So, we remained friends. For 3 years. Until I realized that I did in fact love him. A part of me was in denial for 3 years. 3 long years. Even after 3 years, it wasn’t a very rosy picture. It still took me another year to get comfortable with the idea.

During those years, my heart would silently bleed because it couldn’t love, I would be afraid of receiving love, I would sometimes cry into my pillow because I was confused and didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t understand why I kept running away even when a part of me wanted to stay. There were so so many questions in my head but I never found answers to any of them. Friendship was easy, love wasn’t for me perhaps, I thought.

There was so much I wanted to say and do, but never found the voice or courage to do any of it. Every moment I wanted to stay, touch him, or even look at him, I would restrict myself. So much so that I began to wonder if I even actually liked that guy. However, we can’t trick our brains forever. Inevitably, there were days when I agreed with myself and gave myself the liberty to obsess over him. It was always short lived though. I mastered the art of ‘not getting too close’.

There are moments from 5 years ago that I wish I could change a tiny bit. One day, I wanted to hug him when he was leaving, I didn’t. Once I wanted to kiss him on the cheek, I didn’t. I wanted to say I love you, I didn’t. It is said, ‘few years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did’. I can vouch for this. I wish I had done all of which I mentioned above.

Of course I can hug and kiss him all I want now, but on days when I go back in time in my mind, I remember a girl, standing just one feet away from him and not being able to hug him, because she was afraid of love, I remember a girl cherishing every moment spent with him because it gave her immense joy, joy that she dare not name.

Confessing love to someone else can be difficult, but to confess that you love someone even to yourself is exhausting. You must convince yourself time and again, day in and day out that it is okay to feel something for someone. Most times, it was a subconscious decision, instinctively running away, every time someone tried to get close.

Why was I so afraid of falling and acknowledging love, I will never know. In some ways, we are all afraid of showing love, of being too much, of caring too much. Interestingly, love has been restricted, but we have always allowed ourselves to hate a human. There has never been any running away from hatred. Why? Why are we as humans evolving like this? I don’t know.

But in between all this running away, we often forget that love is for everyone. Everyone.

There is a lot of self-love and self-acceptance that comes before accepting love from elsewhere. And most of it has to come from you. Sometimes you are lucky and people help you to accept yourself, your numerous flaws and still love you to the end of the world. In my case, I got very very lucky and the guy helped me in his own ways, to be proud of myself for who I am. He showed me the light in the other side of tunnel, gave me a chance to experience love in some of it’s purest forms and has given me immense strength to accept the love I have been running away from all my life. (P.S. you know who you are, A. I am so thankful that you have been this patient with me throughout all these years and I am super super proud and glad that you stood with me.)

As India celebrates victory over love with the decriminalization of the same sex marriages by scarping Section 377, people will no longer have to hide in a closet it is told. But as I look back on my journey, I realise that I had been hiding in a closet as well. I didn’t want to ever come out of it, not even to myself. Some closets are different from the others.

I also understand that it would be all the more difficult for the LGBT community to come out to themselves at first and then to the society at large. I understand and acknowledge that theirs is a much larger battle, but somehow a lot is spoken about them, but rarely do we pay attention to a human trying to understand the nuances of love in general. This post is a small reminder for all the times spent running away from love and to encourage people to never run away from it again.

if-you-love-something-love-it-completely.jpg

As I look back, I realize that it took me too long to accept the love within and outside. But, in end, at least I did. Go break your closets and free yourself from all the drama you have been putting yourself through. Go feel the love. Because, love is for everybody.

Indeed, #LoveIsLove

Happy 5 years in love, Krithika.

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