Losing a best friend

Silence.

I lost my best friend of 12 years to silence.

Me and my best friend studied together from U.K.G to 12th standard.

We were together in anything and everything. I still remember, in 3rd standard when she met with an accident and didn’t come to school for about a week, I missed her terribly. And I was relieved seeing her and empathised with her.

In 6th standard we sat together for the entire year. We were the benchmates everyone envied. We were always together.

In 9th standard we had our first crushes and we discussed boys together. Giggling and excited.

She used to stay 11kms away from my house. At such young ages we weren’t allowed to travel such long distance without our parents. She always complained that none of the friends ever visited her house. So I begged my mother and somehow convienced her to allow me to go. I was the first friend to have ever visited her house. She was ecstatic.

Later, we got our first ever phones and would text each other constantly.

In the following years, we became each other’s secret holders. She knew of all the happenings in my life.

In 12th standard, every person filled out each classmate’s journal giving brief details about the friendship they shared, their cherished memories, etc. I wrote her journal detailing our friendship right from the 1st standard.

I wrote about how I remember her being my earliest memory of friend and how from tiny ponytails we have now come to stage where we have to plait our long hair. It was such a heart felt entry. I ended up writing close to 8 pages. By the end of it, I was in tears as I realised that I would be missing and leaving behind the most beautiful person, because we weren’t sure of getting in the same colleges.

Cut to college. We didn’t end up meeting for about 7–8 months. I kept pestering her to meet me since it had been long. Finally she agreed to meet me one day. But for that, I would have to bunk my college.

I honestly didn’t mind it. So I took a day off from college, went to her college (after she finished it, since we had different college timings) to pick her up and then drove her to wherever SHE wanted to go.

But something didn’t feel right that day. I felt something was missing. I didn’t really find my best friend in her. She wasn’t excited to see me. I kept thinking for a long time that maybe it was all in my head and it wasn’t what I was thinking. Finally, I drop her off and get back home.

A few days after which I realise, in all these months, years rather, she hadn’t taken much efforts to stay in touch. It was always me. I always texted her first. Always willing to go to her house. Always doing things she wanted to do. She hadn’t texted me first in a long time.

She hasn’t ever been to my house. Where all my friends had been to my house at least once, I don’t recollect my best friend ever visiting me even once in all those years even though my house was the closest from school. It was just walking distance. She could have come home any day. She never chose to come.

She didn’t let me know how her college was going. She always had excuses to give. She never made plans to meet me. I made plans all the time. The day I met her, she attended college, while I had to take a day off. I picked her up. Else, she wouldn’t have come.

So to confirm my sudden realisations, I decided to not text her for a few days and check if she messaged me first in the coming days. Sadly, it never happened. She didn’t text me.

Silence. For a long time. I realised, I was the only one putting efforts into this friendship and that it shouldn’t continue this way. And that’s how I lost my best friend of 12 years. 12 long years, vanished. Just like that.

I was shattered for a long time after that. I realised friendship never worked that way.

Did I mention? I kept asking her to write my journal and she kept telling me she will write it later. She never ended up writing it.

6 years later, we talk twice every year, during our birthdays to wish each other. It has now gone from calling and wishing each other to texting. Someday, even that will stop.

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