Diary of a girl trying to adult – Entry 8

22 April, 2018

What is the most inevtiable thing on this planet for living creatures? Death.

Anything living will eventually die. But how equipped are we mentally to deal with death? Not very much. No one, infact nothing can ever prepare us for this dreaded event.

Have you ever imagined any of your close ones dying? Any sane human wouldn’t, unless the person in question is aged.

Personally, I have never seen any deaths. Nor have thought about anybody ever dying. I know people will die but never really gave any more thought to it.

Recently, my best friend met with an accident. I got a call from his mobile stating that he is in hospital. I didn’t believe the phone call and assumed it to be a prank. Then, my curiosity kicked it and I wanted to confirm it was a prank. So I called his number again and this time, a police person answers the call and says ‘this boy is in the hospital. He met with an accident. We found him unconscious and got him here. Inform his family’. The call was disconnected.

The panic begins to finally set in. I went blank. I didn’t know what to do. I never even in my wildest dreams thought of my friend ever meeting with an accident. What do I do? Sitting some 500kms away, I only wished to see him at that very moment. Obviously I couldn’t. I needed to be strong.

Then after sitting in shock for 2 minutes, I decided to call his family and talk. They also knew he met with an accident. His sister was crying, so was his mother and I remained numb, still not wanting to believe that he is in danger. I somehow managed to talk to his sister and asked her to remain positive, he would be fine I told her. She chose to believe in my words and told me she will keep me informed of the happenings.

I told my mom about the accident and she seemed worried. She asked me if I was worried. I told her no, I am not. That idiot is a fighter. He will fight this soon enough and he will be laughing and joking around. He has always been a fighter. I was consoling myself than my mom at that point. That night, I wasn’t able to sleep for a long time and I didn’t cry. I couldn’t. I was too numb to cry.

The next evening, his family reached the place he was staying. He was in a different city and was alone. His sister was constantly messaging me and giving me updates. I was restless the entire day. Next morning, he was in ICU. He had a skull fracture and had lots of internal bleeding. I went further numb. I didn’t think the accident was so bad. Hadn’t the police guy told me that the accident was minor? So I didn’t ask anything much later, I just heard whatever his mother and sister told me. I was afraid of asking, of knowing the truth, of listening to things I already knew deep down.

From the night I heard he had a accident, I kept myself busy. I saw television series for hours at a stretch. I saw movies, went out and didn’t use my phone so much. I questioned his sister and mother to the bare minimum about him and his condition. I was weak. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to listen to it. For the first time, my mom was concerned as to why I was being so chill about someone’s condition. I pretended to be relaxed, because had I thought about it even for 10 minutes, I would have lost my mind and started crying. But I needed to be strong. And my friend was a fighter, remember? He will be fit in a few days I told myself.

There is nothing on this planet I wanted more than I wanted to see him at that time. But I couldn’t because I wouldn’t get permission at home. I eventually convinced my mom to go and meet him. So I went to give him a surprise. The surprise was worth it. He got shocked seeing me there.

But one could not ignore his condition. He lost so much weight, was dull and still recovering. It hurt to see him like that. Yet, I had to be strong. So I was smiling, until the night. He had severe pains towards the night, I massaged his head to try and calm him down. But all my efforts went in vain. His pain didn’t reduce one bit. He held my hands so tightly when I was massaging him. He couldn’t bear the pain, it was evident. After seeing him in pain for more than an hour, I lost it. I couldn’t stay strong. I got out of the room and cried my heart out.

Here was the guy who has been my rock all these years, who has bailed me out of all my shit, who made me laugh when I couldn’t even smile, who hasn’t let me face my problems alone and who would go to any extent possible to see me smile and yet, I wasn’t able to do anything for him. The helplessness of the entire situation was enormous. For the first time, I couldn’t do anything for him. I couldn’t take away his pain, couldn’t share it, couldn’t reduce it. I would have done anything in that moment to just be able to share and reduce his pain. But no. I didn’t have that blessing. The only thing I could do was see him suffer while standing there helplessly. Nothing helped him. He kept screaming the entire night and there was nothing I could do.

In those fleeting moments, I realised, I could have lost him. He could have died, if those policemen wouldn’t have found him. He was alive, in front of my eyes, he was still being stupid and trying to smile whenever he could. Wasn’t that a blessing in itself? I couldn’t imagine not having him on this planet. We are at most times at least 800kms away from each other, yet, he needed to be alive somewhere. I wouldn’t be able to function properly if I were to even think of him not being on this planet. The thought that he could have been dead sent shivers down my body. I continued crying for a long time before I finally calmed myself a bit.

The next morning, he was taken to the hospital and was given an injection for his pains. I again broke down seeing that. He came back from the hospital and slept. I was still sad when he woke up. I didn’t notice that he woke up. He saw me, called me to sit beside him, once I was beside him, he asked me, ‘why aren’t you smiling?’. Even when his head was paining, he found it necessary to ask why I wasn’t smiling. Idiot.

I then proceeded to massage his head and while at it, I noticed he was thinking something, I asked him what he was thinking, he told, ‘I was thinking if you had lunch’. Damn. Best friends will always remain best friends, even if they are injured. So I told him to stop worrying about me and instead worry about himself. In those tiny moments, I found my best friend, the one who was still stupid; not the one on bed after a grave accident.

He has been better since then. He still has a long way to go to completely recover. Yet, he has come a long way. He is a fighter, you see. Always has been.

My best friend survived a horror. I am super proud of him. But I couldn’t resist thinking, if I would have lost him, where would I be today? Maybe a part of me would have been lost forever.

Like I said, nothing can ever prepare you for death. Now that I have seen my friend, I am scared more than I have ever been. I don’t want to lose anybody close to me.

I haven’t cried for him, since that day. I had to remain strong. Also because my best friend won’t wake up and ask me why I wasn’t smiling. πŸ™‚

Yet, not one day goes by where I don’t think of him and his condition or that moment of helplessness where I couldn’t take away his pain. I know he will be fine soon. This whole experience somewhere made me stronger.

Some treasures can never be replaced, nor can they measured in monetarty value, for they are invaluable. Those treasures are often called family and best friends. πŸ™‚ As long as I have them, I will never have to face anything alone.

My best friend, is a fighter. In some ways, aren’t we all? πŸ™‚

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