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A WALLFLOWER

The class had begun and was full in attendance. I had occupied my seat in the middle row. I since the beginning was a person surrounded with the 4 walls of fear. I was the one who used to fill the water bottle and wipe the water droplets carefully to prevent my bag from getting wet. I opened the tiffin glancing in all the 4 directions to make sure nobody’s watching me, not because I’d have to share it, but because maybe my fellow partners might not like the brunch I’ve bought and may pass some lewd comments over it. Even if I knew the answer my hand never lifted up. I was the wallflower in my life. 2 rows ahead of my table was Priya. I had lost my heart to her. I know that being a wallflower and having such feelings seems like a crime. We were in the same class since childhood, we aged together till our 12th Class.

We were in 9th class when I once went to see her off at the station, and I went to buy her a candy. I turned back to see her standing with tears in her eyes. I looked at her in a state of shock and before I could ask her anything, she says, Don’t leave me, please come along with us. Her words were filled with so much pain, I could not resist myself anymore from falling in love with her. I offered her the water, she gulped down half the bottle at once. I walked her back to her seat to her family. The train started to pull away, and her eyes turned wet again and so did mine this time. The train soon was out of sight, and I did not understand what just happened. In the state of confusion, I stood there for a while and fell in love with her. 1 year later she had ditched me so pathetically, that she chose another guy over me when he had asked her out, standing right next to me. Obviously, I was shattered, I was shattered to the core. Something deep inside me was scarred, a scar that remains forever.

7 YEARS LATER

After the concert night, we all decided to hang out together and keep the party rolling on. Post the dinner he headed towards the beach, as usual, plugging his earphones in and lied down comfortably on the sand. He had this habit of hearing the music loud. Payal kept calling him all the way till he walked down to the beach. She punched him in the stomach for not hearing back. Then she went on chapping blah and blah and blah. All through the conversation, she had observed one thing very prominently, that he hardly could make an eye contact while talking to her. At first, she thought it was just with her that he behaved oddly, but later she was convinced that he lacked that confidence with any girl. She noticed how weirdly vigilant he becomes in the presence of any girl around him trying to communicate. One evening Payal asked him to meet her, and he agreed to meet. He walked to meet her with a turbulent confidence and the confidence in him turned pale when she asked him to sit next to her, because he first had seated himself opposite to her. She had decided and properly planned to deal with this issue and began with some simple questions like ‘tell me about yourself, your likes, hobbies, childhood‘. He spoke everything fine but made no eye contact. Then she added Hey do I make you feel uncomfortable, I’ve seen, you seem very unsettled whenever I talk to you. Do I bother you or something? He confidently dismissed her question and asked her about her likes and dislikes, but she refused to leave the topic that she had raised, When you do ‘this’ you know how does it make me feel, it makes me feel uncomfortable too and I don’t have a clue about what’s happening and with this you leave me with only one option of walking away, and that’s exactly how you lose the potential to make a friend and remain the odd one out, a wallflower. An awkward silence crept in, and he finally spoke up.

Screaming Face

After a year into the relationship I realized that she was cheating on me, and I just could not believe it, so I confronted her about she cheating on me, to which she refused and joked it off. One day the guy whom she was seeing comes and tells me that they kissed. I could not believe my ears. A few days later I saw them together in a garden and they seemed very happy. Finally, I asked her to choose between me and him, and I was quite sure that she’d choose me realizing her mistake, but she very confidently chose him and never even cared to apologize or even console me. I broke down completely. I lost the faith. Since then I felt as if it’s all my fault, and eventually lost the confidence too. I preferred to keep a distance from girls, and also am convinced that looks matter a lot, and girls will leave you if you don’t look cool and handsome, no matter how good you be to them. 

That one incident had killed the confidence inside me and deep inside I still try to undo the things that must have went wrong to make it work between us. It brings shiver to me whenever I think of she choosing him right over me. Payal realized the roots of this behavior of mine were hidden under this one unworthy relationship. An incident that defines my lack of confidence. This needs to be understood by either sex, that, one can’t just play with anybody’s emotions this way. Instead be true to your partner and let him/her know the things aren’t working as expected but cheating is never an option.

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